All Our Tomorrows
by recumbentgoat
Summary: After narrowly escaping Sarpeidon's past, Spock must tell Uhura of his encounter with Zarabeth. Previous story: Sweet Things Next story: You Better Run Girl! Please comment if you've enjoyed the story. Thank you! :D
1. Transgression

**Character/Pairing:** Spock/Uhura, McCoy, Kirk  
**Rating:** **T**  
**Summary:** After narrowly escaping from Sarpeidon's past, Spock must tell Nyota of his encounter with Zarabeth.  
**Warning:** Angst! Swearing.  
**A/N:** Previous story: Sweet Things. References episode All Our Yesterdays. Next story: You Better Run Girl!

* * *

Even when the beam faded after re-materialization in the transporter room, the coldness around Spock's heart did not fade. Which emotion it was, shame or fear, he could not tell.

McCoy's eyes were on him, 'Well?' He hissed, 'You gonna fucking tell her, Spock? Or will _I_?' He stepped off the pad and turned back to Spock, his blue eyes blazing up at him.

Kirk had gone over to Scotty at the console, ordering the ship to warp as Sarpeidon's sun went supernova. His head snapped over to McCoy and Spock and he eyed his two friends closely. Something had happened down there that had shaken them to the core. 'Gentlemen, is there any--'

'It's nothing, Jim! It's _ancient_ history now, isn't that _right_, Spock?' McCoy stalked out of the transporter room.

Kirk and Scotty exchanged cautious looks. Spock was still standing on the transporter pad and he now stepped off wearily, halting before Kirk.

'Permission to return to my quarters so I can attend a private matter, Captain.'

Kirk stared at his friend, wondering if he should ask him, but fearing the answer. He nodded once, 'Granted, Spock.' He watched his friend leave, a knot of apprehension forming in his gut.

* * *

Spock made his way to his quarters with uncertainty. Knowing Nyota as he did, she would be there, sick with worry for him. He must ready himself for what was to come. What he had to do. He had taken great care to love Nyota the way she deserved, and despite that, he still failed her.

As he entered his quarters, Nyota met him at the door and threw her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. Her head pressed against his chest, he wrapped his arms around her, kissed her forehead and brushed his cheek against her hair.

The trip into the past had rendered him so emotionally open, that he shut his eyes, hoping to dampen his disorientation as her own mix of fear, love, anxiety and relief flooded into his soul.

'We almost left! I was so scared you wouldn't make it!' Her hands moved up to clutch the back of his shoulders tightly. He could feel her fingernails bite through his shirt. She let go of him and moved back a step, reaching to cup his face with her hands.

He was warmed and comforted from the love that flowed from her. That her concern steadied him only fed his growing shame and his eyes slid away from hers, fixing onto the table behind her, 'Nyota, I must tell you something of grave importance.'

He reached up and tried to pull her hands down from his face, 'I have been unfaithful to you. There was a Sarpeidan woman, trapped with us in its ice age. She...well, I--we had sexual intercourse.' He could not tear his gaze from the table, his hands still holding hers, not daring to move or to breathe.

He could feel her stunned disbelief seeping into him. Then the shock, and then the disbelief again.

'What? How...how did this happen?' She looked up at him, her dark, glistening eyes wide and searching.

'She found us. Saved us from freezing to death. McCoy was weakening quickly and needed shelter immediately. We both did. While he was recuperating...'

She waited for him to continue, then whispered, 'And what then, Spock?'

'McCoy came to realize that I had...regressed during our trip back in time. I...had eaten meat and enjoyed it. I argued violently with McCoy. I wanted to kill him. Zarabeth-'

He stopped, pressing his lips tightly together. He left Nyota standing at the front door and sat down at the table, clasping his hands together on top. 'I felt love for her and I could feel her return that love to me. So deeply. I felt her loneliness and despair. I could not leave her in the end. I tried to send McCoy back without me, but we had to go through the portal together.'

He bowed his head and waited. She had not moved from her spot at the door.

She asked softly, 'What was she like?'

Spock's heart clenched, but he would not lie to her now. 'She was beautiful. Smart and principled. She was being punished for speaking out against a tyrant, meant to endure a solitary life in an ice wasteland.'

'Show me.'

He felt her move closely behind him, her soft, cool hand settling on the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and didn't bother fighting the shame that tightened his chest again.

He turned and looked up at her. He reached up and stroked her cheek lightly. She leaned into it and kissed his fingertips, took his hand in hers, kissed his palm.

'Spock, I tried to focus. Do my job. All I could think of was the time. How much time had elapsed since losing contact. How much longer we had left until Scotty had to take us away.' She took his other hand, 'We're _always_ facing death. You know how many people have died on this ship. You were facing a lifetime marooned in some--'

He sighed, 'Nyota, this goes beyond some human stress response of flight or fornicate.' He looked away, then back, and raised his fingers to her meldpoints, 'Here.' His thoughts surged into hers and she gasped from the rush of his sensory input.

His love for Zarabeth had been primal, yet still tempered with the deep compassion he held for her predicament. Feeling how open he was, she could feel his vulnerability to Zarabeth's desperate loneliness and need. And she was beautiful. Very beautiful- and kind.

She wept when they made love. Seeing _feeling_ him touch her, gently and with wonder at first, then with passionate abandon, the way that he touched _her_. It wrenched her heart in two. She lost herself. Couldn't tell where she ended and he began and she- _She_ hadn't mattered at all.

Nyota paused with uncertainty as she sorted through his still roiling emotions. Frantic, she searched, as he silently waited. Waited for her to understand.

He had forgotten her. Completely. If McCoy hadn't insisted on returning and didn't need Spock to get through the portal, Spock would have stayed with Zarabeth forever.

Tears streaming down her face, she twisted free from the meld by force, reached back, and slapped Spock so hard that he rocked into his chair. His head snapped to the side from the force of her blow. Their breathing was harsh in the silent room, as he slowly faced her again. He could not meet her eyes, his hands gripping the edge of the table.

'Do I mean so little to you that you couldn't spare _one_ thought for me? After all we've been to each other, you'd walk away without a backward glance?!'

Spock looked down at his feet. He had no answers. No defense.

'Get out.'

He stared up at her. He did not stand, he couldn't.

'I said get out! Get out! Get out!' She cuffed him on the side of his head and he didn't bother blocking her hand. Just absorbed the blow and looked back down at the floor.

He could feel her struggle. Her anger, so quick and cutting, that she wanted to strike him again and again. But she was sobbing now. Great rolling wails that were tearing him apart. He gently grabbed her hands and stood up. He felt her love, even now, and still, she could not bring herself to hurt him. Not even to return the pain that he had given to her so unjustly.

'Nyota, please....' He wanted to soothe her. Make her forget, _wanting_ to, but he couldn't bring himself to offer her an escape from the pain that he caused.

'Get out. Fuck you! Get out!' She covered her face with her hands and sobbed, her body wracked with pain and doubled over.

He pulled her to his chest and hugged her firmly, stroking her back. He eased his fingers up to her nerve points, his touch light. When she sagged into his arms, he lifted her up and brought her to his bed. He gently laid her down and drew a sheet over her. She would sleep deeply. And then, hopefully, tomorrow they would talk about their future together. If she still wanted him.

Spock wanted to undress her. He wanted nothing more than to lay next to her and feel the wisps of dreams brush against his mind, like they had only twenty-four hours ago. But he knew that would be wrong now for her. He needed to be close to her though, so he sat in the chair next to his bed and closed his eyes, willing the turbulent emotions away from him.

* * *

The next morning Nyota woke up in Spock's bed, surprised that she was clothed and with her boots still on. Then she remembered what had happened. She quickly untangled herself from the bedsheet and woozily stood up.

Spock was not there, thank god. She knew that he would be on-duty now. But she couldn't stay there any longer, surrounded by him. She fled to Sickbay.

McCoy was there in his office and he locked the door as soon as she came in, pulling her into his warm, strong embrace as she broke down again and sobbed into his chest.

'God, Nyota, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.' He smoothed back her hair and rocked her gently.

He carefully sat her down on one of his chairs, 'You need to rest, Ny. You're in no shape for duty today, ok?' He left her there for a moment and returned with a hypo. Its hiss escaped her notice, her eyes glassy and unfocused.

He gathered her up in his arms and whispered to her, 'Darlin', I want you to go back to your quarters. And don't let anyone in, ok? No one. I want you to rest today.'

He got a tissue and handed it to her. She wiped her tears away and took several deep breaths.

'That's right, honey. Just one at a time.' He watched her struggle for control.

'I want to know what happened down there, Len. I want you to tell me _everything_--' She broke off as fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. She wiped her tears away, 'I want you to-'

'Darlin', you're not in any shape to be talking about this now. I want you on twenty-four hour bed rest, starting now. And that's a medical order.' His voice was stern, but he noticed that after a few hiccupping breaths, she began calming down.

'Ok.'

'Ok.' He pulled her in his arms again, 'Ny, I love you. And everything's going to be all right.' He looked down at her, 'We're going to have a long talk tomorrow. I know you want answers, and I'll do you a favor. I'll send my report to you. It's not finished yet, but whatever questions you have tomorrow, we can talk about it. Just promise me that you'll rest first, ok?'

She sighed and let her forehead rest against his shoulder, then nodded and looked back up at him, 'Thank you, Len. Thank you for being here with me--'

He cut her off, 'Go now, Ny,' and gently kissed her temple. He unlocked the door, and smiled encouragingly, nodding as she looked back at him and said goodbye.

After the door shut, the smile dropped from his face. 'Computer, locate Commander Spock.'

* * *

Kirk and Spock were in the captain's quarters, discussing the recent orders that had suddenly diverted them to Camus II. Kirk turned to McCoy as he entered, 'Yes, Bones, what is it?'

Before Kirk could stop him, McCoy had pulled back and delivered such a resounding right cross to Spock's jaw, that the Vulcan was set back onto his heels and staggered heavily into Kirk's desk.

McCoy's heart beat faster as the adrenaline surged through him. 'You soulless Vulcan hypocrite!' He threw another punch into Spock's face, ignoring the sharp pain in his fists from hitting Vulcan bone. 'You don't deserve her!'

Kirk quickly hooked his arms around McCoy's waist and dragged him off of Spock, horrified at what McCoy had done, 'Bones! Bones! Stop it! That's an order!' He roughly pushed McCoy away and stood between the two men.

Spock was splayed back against the desk, his arms braced to the sides as if to absorb the shock of McCoy's attack. He was bleeding from his lip and nose, letting it run freely down his face. He stared dully at McCoy.

Heaving for breath, McCoy slouched against the wall and continued his assault verbally, 'You worthless sack of _shit_. I should kill you for what you've done to her.'

'Bones! Tell me or you're in the brig! Now!'

McCoy laughed weakly, 'He didn't tell you yet? Seemed pretty proud of it before. He got a _notch_ on his belt now. Bagged himself an alien chick. Guess that makes him a little more _interestin'_ now.'

He swore silently to himself. But he didn't have to question Spock, because for once, the truth was written all over his face. 'Spock, what have you done?'

'I hurt Nyota. I...abandoned her.' Spock bowed his head and said quietly, 'You are correct, Doctor. I do not deserve her. I never should have believed that we could have been possible.'

'Damn you, Spock. And _damn_ your Vulcan blood! I wanted this for both of you! You're supposed to be the _good_ one.' He pushed himself off the wall and pointed his finger in Spock's face, 'How could you do this?! How could you cheat on the most beautiful woman who loves you _so much_ that it _blinds_ everyone around her?!'

Shocked at McCoy's revelation, Kirk eased closer to the two men, fearing another physical attack by McCoy on Spock. 'Bones, _enough_. Let Spock go down to Sickbay.'

Spock was frozen in place, his hands now clasped behind his back. His head down, his chin and lips marked with narrow, dark green ribbons of blood that dripped from his chin.

'Spock.' Kirk put his hand on Spock's shoulder and squeezed. 'Get down to Sickbay.'

As much as Kirk had envied Spock for his relationship with Uhura, he felt pity now for the Vulcan, and deep sorrow that his closest friends were in such tremendous turmoil. Spock's eyes were blank when he nodded and left the captain's quarters.

McCoy sighed deeply and fell into a chair with his forehead in his hands, 'You should've ordered the bastard to report there, Jim. He won't go, he _wants_ to suffer.'

'And you wanted to make him suffer. He's going to feel as bad enough as it is....'

'You weren't picking up the pieces with Nyota, Jim! With Spock, there's nothing to pick up.' McCoy ran his fingers through his hair, 'And still she loves him. Bastard.'

Kirk shook his head, 'How badly do you think it'll affect their working relationship?'

McCoy scoffed, 'Those two? Please, Jim. They'll be fine.'

'And you, Bones? For a guy who says he can't stand Spock, you're taking this hard.'

McCoy is silent for so long that Kirk sits back down at his desk and starts work on putting the landing party together for Camus II. They'll reach the planet in four hours and will launch a rescue mission of the archaeological team stationed there.

'I cheated on Jocelyn a year after Joanna was born.' He finally looked at Kirk, 'And it wasn't the last time either. Our problems- well, I didn't handle them very well. Well, that was my excuse. But he's not a cheater. There's no way he would've done that in his right mind. No way he'd be so selfish.'

'Yeah, but he was stuck there-'

'No--damnit, Jim that's not what I mean! It's the _way_ he did it! Even if he were stuck there, he wouldn't have just gone after that woman like that! You saw how he courted Nyota. But the way he was down there was _downright scary_. He almost snapped my fuckin' neck.' McCoy rolled his head a little, still feeling Spock's hand clamped around his throat.

Kirk's eyebrows rose,'So what are you saying then?'

'I'm saying that if we were still there, then yeah, things may have inevitably led him to her bed, what with the whole pon farr thing. But that would _also_ mean he'd given up _any_ hope of getting back _at all_. And we both know how he is. He would've done everything in his power to return to her.' He shook his head sadly, 'I'm just amazed that he agreed to come find the portal at all with me. And that we found it. Crazy damn luck.' He stared down at the floor, his elbows resting on his knees.

After several moments of silence, Kirk said, 'Give them time, Bones. Let things just lie. Besides, we've got this rescue mission that we need to focus on.' He got up and went over to the replicator, ordering two cups of black coffee. Feeling that it was time to confess his sins, he asked, 'Did I ever tell you about Janice Lester?'

* * *

A/N: Please be sure to visit my wordpress home page on my profile, I've posted some great pics to go along with this story. When I started writing, I wasn't aware that All Our Yesterdays was at the end of season three until I'd finished writing You Better Run Girl. Then, I thought that I could just ignore it, but the plot bunny bit me hard for this. So sorry! lol I decided I couldn't ignore it anymore and although we know that the relationship recovers, I thought I'd tuck this one into their backstory. The only stories this really affects are the S&U Sex Surveys in which both Spock and Nyota discuss infidelity and regrets. I'm going to leave those as is anyways. Thank you for reading and please comment! :D


	2. Turnabout

**Character/Pairing:** Spock/Uhura, McCoy, Kirk, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty  
**Rating:** T  
**Summary:** After Spock's court martial and near execution, Uhura must decide what kind of future she has with him.  
**Warning:** Angst! Swearing  
**A/N:** Previous story: Sweet Things. References episode Turnabout Intruder. Next story: You Better Run Girl!

* * *

Nyota returned to her quarters, feeling calmer, but strange and robotic. The urge to cry was gone now, likely due to the hypo McCoy had given her. She went through her regular bed time routine, then sat on her bed, blank and exhausted, but not yet ready for sleep.

She had gone right to her comm unit when she returned from Sickbay to see if McCoy had done as he promised. He had, the document sat in her inbox, but he knew her too well and locked it from her. Until tomorrow then.

So she had taken a cursory shower, pulled on her sleep shirt and was sitting there, staring at the wall. Thinking. Thinking. What would she have done if it'd been her? She sighed and crawled into bed, sinking her head into the cool pillow and praying for oblivion. It was easy to say 'what if?' but it didn't stop the pain of what he'd done. Her eyes drifted shut and, still, she could see Spock's face.

* * *

Nyota woke from a dead sleep, her breath drawn in sharply. She'd been laying on her stomach, and so propped herself up on her forearms, thinking that she'd heard something. But there was no klaxon for red alert.

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood just as her comm beeped loudly. Shuffling over to her desk, she frowned when she saw all the waiting messages. She was baffled by the urgency since no one had come by or paged her that there was an emergency.

She paused over the most recent one, a message from Spock, then moved down the list that were all marked high priority. Rand, McCoy, Scotty, Sulu...worried, she went back to the earliest one, then worked her way up in order.

As she read, her anxiety increased as the descriptions of the captain's erratic behavior grew more shocking. Sulu's message was left only a few minutes ago, and it was enough to send her scrambling into her uniform and running down to the conference room, where Spock was being court-martialed. His punishment would be the death penalty.

* * *

She ran. The heels of her boots thudding hard against the floor. And still, it took her ten minutes to reach the conference room where Spock was being tried. Whatever it was, there was no way in hell he could've done it. Nothing that would ever warrant a death penalty. As soon as she assessed the situation, she'd send a message immediately to Lady Amanda. Spock had to have diplomatic immunity....

Her lungs burning, she burst into the room, only to find it terribly empty. Horrified that she missed the proceedings, she ran back out into the corridor to an intercom where she could page Sulu or McCoy.

'Ny!'

So intent she was at getting out the door quickly, that she plowed straight into a hard blue body, who gripped her by the shoulders to steady her, 'Ny! It's ok! He's ok, darlin'! It's all over!'

Still breathing hard, she gasped, 'What? Where is he?! What happened?!'

McCoy felt her sharp nails digging into his arms, 'Shhh, it's ok now. Look, down the hall. Kirk has been restored to his self. And Lester- well, she's gonna be held in isolation until we can transfer her to a good facility.' He moved to the side so she could see down the corridor better.

But Nyota wasn't looking at Kirk or at the small, pale woman, held by another man and being led into a chamber. No, she was staring at Spock. Calm, unblinking. As he was before.

'Ny, I'm sorry you were so alarmed. Things just happened so damn fast.' McCoy put his arm around Nyota's shoulders, 'Come on, darlin'. We'll go to my office. 'Cuz they're gonna be there forever talking about how they're gonna report this one to 'fleet.'

Nyota let herself be pulled by McCoy around the corner and over to the turbolift. She glanced over her shoulder just in time to see Spock look over and catch her eyes.

* * *

While in the turbolift, McCoy gave her a rundown of the last ten hours. She's both greatly disturbed by Lester's actions and yet greatly relieved that when push came to shove, her friends fought for Spock and saved him.

They got to McCoy's office and he let her sit behind his desk, calling up his unfinished report for her. As she sat down, he went and got coffee for them.

When he returned, she frowned as she continued reading, 'You're saying he regressed to a pre-Surakian state?' She looked up at him for confirmation.

He put her coffee down and then sat heavily in the visitor's chair across from her, thankful he could finally rest his feet. 'Yeah, I was so out of it, I don't think I put two and two together until he was choking the life from me.' He blew on his coffee and squinted over the rim at her as he sipped.

Nyota was silent and returned to her reading, minutes passing before she looked up again, surprised this time, 'Amnesia?'

McCoy's eyebrows rose at her skeptical tone, 'Yeah, I think that's what's going on. There was some cellular damage to his brain. Nothing permanent, mind you. But it was enough. You have to remember that the modern Vulcan mind is so conditioned to suppress their emotions in the pursuit of logic, that when we stepped through the portal, the shift was so sudden and the emotional surge so foreign and radical, that it induced trauma. Vulcan brains are a little more sensitive than ours,' he pointed out wryly.

For the first time in several hours, Nyota felt herself smile, just a tiny bit, 'So, why weren't _you_ dragging your knuckles around? Guess it didn't make a difference, huh?'

He laughed, taken off guard, but comforted somewhat that she could see humor in the situation, 'Hey! I resemble that remark!' He leaned forward, his elbows resting against the edge of his desk, 'No, our brain has pretty much stayed the same since we started walking upright. Unfortunately, I couldn't examine him then as fully as I could now, so this is theory, Ny.'

She nodded, staring at the report, but no longer reading it, 'But why did he come back at all? If he couldn't...if there was nothing to come back to?'

'It could be a number of things,' he said gently. 'Spock's emotions were split open like the Hoover Dam. And I believe that, as a telepath, he was very susceptible to the emotions of others. I don't think he had any capability to shield even if he _wanted_ to. And of course I wasn't affected like he was. I think...in the end, his innate compassion for me led to his decision to help me return. 'Cuz I _definitely_ wanted to come home.' He stared into the black depths of his coffee.

There was silence as she absorbed this, 'I guess I understand this better, I just wish...' She looked down to the floor, 'I guess I wish that I could've been there somehow, even in spirit. I don't know, maybe it's selfish to want him to think--'

'Darlin', you're missin' my point here about the whole amnesia thing,' McCoy paused, waiting until she turned her attention back to him, 'You need to remember that your romantic relationship with him is a relatively _new_ experience. The trauma affected newer memories. And, I think that since I was there, and his shields were down, I could exact a certain loyalty that, in the end, took precedence over his--his relationship with--_her_.' He winced internally for almost saying _his love_- and Zarabeth's name.

Nyota sat back in her chair and stared at him for a long time. Taking his cue from her, he got comfortable in his chair and went back to sipping his coffee. It would take time. Everyone needed more time to wrap their damn brains around the last forty-eight hours. He shook his head to himself.

'What happened to your hands, Len?' Her head was tilted to one side, brows furrowed and eyes squinting.

He froze in mid-sip, 'Uhhh...' His mouth was open as he tried to form a quick excuse to explain his split knuckles. He silently cursed for not using the dermal re-generator right after punching Spock. 'Well, see now, darlin'-'

'What did you _do_, _Leonard_?' But she had a feeling what he was going to say next.

'Look, this is strictly between men!' He was affronted, but couldn't quite meet her eyes.

She raised her eyebrows at that, 'You punched the guy who _saved_ your life?'

McCoy shifted guiltily, 'What can I say? I...I was kinda upset myself.' He looked down into his coffee again. He needed a re-fill.

Nyota could see the embarrassed flush steal across his cheeks and ears and sighed resignedly, resting the side of her head onto her folded arms. 'But he's fine now? You checked him out?'

He nodded, '_Yes_, he's fine, Ny. My _hands_ are fine too, thanks for asking.' He rolled his eyes when she laughed at him, 'Actually, before we hit Camus II, he was in Sickbay already, so we gave him a check-up.' He shifted again, recalling the silent tension between he and Spock as the brain scans were run. Thank God M'Benga was there to do the exam. McCoy decided to leave out the details of Spock's bloodied and bruised face.

She watched him as he continued to squirm uncomfortably, 'Len, I appreciate you...you caring.' She paused, choosing her words carefully, 'I know...this brings up some painful memories from your time with Jocelyn--'

'Aww, Ny.' He waved his hand, 'Don't. You don't have to say that. Jim-hell, _Spock_- would have every right to throw me in the brig for what I did. Never mind breaking my damn Oath. I dunno, maybe I regressed a little myself. It's just shocking to see someone you--aw, damnit.' It's several more minutes before he can continue, then, 'I don't know. It just triggered something in me. I know it's not even his damn fault.'

They sat in a companionable silence before Nyota breaks it, 'It's been a helluva time, hasn't it? We haven't had a stretch of bad luck in a while-'

'_Don't_ go jinxing us now, Ny,' McCoy growled.

She laughs a little, then stands, 'Well, thank you, Len. I appreciate you letting me look at this. I think it opened my eyes a lot.'

He grabs her wrist before she gets to the door and gently turns her around, 'What're you gonna do, Ny?'

Her smile is small and grim, 'I'm going to talk to Spock. I--I can't let him think he's alone. Not after what happened today.' She looks away, blinking back tears and remembering how she almost lost him twice in as many days.

He nods slowly, accepting her decision, 'Ny- remember, I can find someone, if you need to talk more about it.'

'Ok, Len. I might look into that.' Before she leaves his office, she looks back at him only to say goodbye, but is surprised when he cuts her off.

'I _know_, Ny. Tell him I owe him an apology.' He gives her back a lopsided, tired smile.

* * *

Spock finally returned to his quarters, eager for solitude after the events of the past few hours. Kirk had given him a two day leave out of, he suspected, severe guilt for what had happened with Lester.

He then spent several minutes pointing out Kirk's illogical reaction to a situation he had no control over, but acquiesced when the captain insisted. Despite his years amongst humans, their behavior could still baffle him, but he reasoned that it was more efficient to agree with Kirk. An expedient return to normalcy for the captain would take greater priority than a more logical, and perhaps slower, approach.

Spock's movements slowed as he finished up some work at his desk. Of course, he should be assessing _his_ illogical state of mind. They had all gone from one crisis and plunged right into the next. If not for the actions of the others, it was likely that Lester, in her instability, simply would have murdered him outright and blown his body out an airlock.

His inbox blinked as a flag he had placed on Sarpeidon's reports was tripped. The doctor appeared to be finally finishing his report. Or, he was referring to it as he spoke with Nyota, which was more likely. As much as he had wanted to find Nyota after Lester had fled Kirk's body, his duty kept him away from her.

But he knew that she needed time. That was a human need- time to heal. It wasn't any different with Kirk's situation. Intellectually, the crew understood that it was yet _another_ stressful situation where the captain had been...possessed, but emotionally, they had to come to terms with separating Lester's actions from Kirk's face. Very similar to the time his body had been occupied by Henoch and for many weeks afterwards, the crew, especially the female contingent, had looked upon him with an irrational fear. It had certainly placed a strain on his friendship with Uhura at the time.

He sighed and got up from his desk. Meditation would have to wait _again_. What he needed now was sleep. He had not done so since arriving on Sarpeidon and it was beginning to take its toll. He toed off his boots and left them haphazardly by his desk, defiantly not caring if they weren't in their proper place under his bed. It was of no consequence now, neither he, his ordered life or his logic had stopped him from hurting Nyota.

He padded to his bed, still fully clothed, laid down and closed his eyes.

* * *

Spock woke later to a cool hand under his shirt, pressed flat on his chest. His eyes opened and his head snapped over to its owner at his side, 'Nyota!'

She was laying next to him, her face in shadows, but her dark eyes glinting down at him, 'Can I lie next to you?', she asked quietly.

He opened his arms to her and she nestled into the crook of his arm, laying her head on the side of his chest.

It was so nice being this close to him again. A relief, really. She breathed in his scent, that warm, masculine scent that was completely him.

Spock wanted to drag Nyota closer to him, but decided to let her come to him when she was ready.

'Nyota--'

'No- wait, Spock. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry first. Sorry for not giving you the benefit of the doubt. McCoy told me-. And--it's hard for me--' She had barely made it half way through her little speech before finally breaking down.

Spock pulled her over, so that she's laying fully on top of him. She cried harder into his chest and he stroked her back. She speaks, then stops as a new crying jag hits her. Eventually, she gave up trying to speak and sobs into his chest. After she's cried for two point eight five seconds more, he whispered, 'Nyota, I grieve with thee.'

He only means to comfort her. To show her that he understands what she's lost, because he's lost that too. That things will never be quite like how they were before. She cried some more into his chest, before he gently sat her up to take off his black shirt. He dried her face with it and asked her to take deep breaths.

She does as he asks, and her body shudders as she starts to calm down. 'I spent hours pacing the observation deck trying to think of what to do. What to say.'

Spock stroked her hair back and kept silent. He wanted to tell her to take all the time she needed to make her decision, but he knew it would be a lie. He wants to ask her to bond with him now. To forget Vulcan propriety and his parents and to be his wife before--

'I love you.' She can hear him hold his breath for a moment.

'Ny-' He stops when she places her hand over his mouth.

'Shhh! Just let me get this out while I still can. I can't pretend this didn't hurt me or that it won't affect us. But I understand now. I'm sorry, Spock. I'm sorry for what happened to you.'

She reached up and stroked his face, the light stubble scratching against her palm, he closed his eyes and turned into her hand, kissing it.

'God forbid this ever comes up again. But if it does, Spock, and I never--see-' She closes her eyes and rests her forehead on his chest before looking back up at him to continue. 'You _deserve_ love, Spock. To love and _be_ loved. You're a caring, compassionate man. There's no life without love. And your love is a _beautiful_ thing. '

There is silence between them before Spock finally says lowly, 'I am sorry, Nyota. I am sorry to be the cause of your pain. I--' He looks away at the empty chair next to his bed, remembering last night, 'I have not felt this inadequate in a long time.' Not since Parmen, but he doesn't say that aloud, and not since Henoch either. 'There have been other times when I have thought my control was not enough. That if I had been fully Vulcan this would not--'

'No, Spock! No, don't say that. It could've happened to anyone. _Anyone._'

'That is, as they say, cold comfort, Nyota. That I do not know my _own mind_--.' He finally looked back at her and rasped, 'How can I trust my own mind when it betrayed me?'

'No, darling. No it didn't.' She shook her head at him, 'Spock, you didn't do it on purpose. I know that now. And you should accept that too. Read McCoy's report.'

She put her head back down and they laid there in silence before she said, 'I've got to move forward, Spock. Here today, gone tomorrow. That's how it is on this cursed flying junk heap.'

'Please do not let Scotty hear you say that.' He smiled slightly into her hair when she chuckled against his chest.

She sighed, 'I've missed you so much.' She squeezes him for effect, 'I can't control the past. Or the future. Or what may or may not happen on some landing party. I know that I love you _now_. And that's enough for me.'

He hesitated, wondered briefly if he should ask her to meld with him, but instead said, 'I know that in the past I have stressed to you that some words are redundant, particularly in the marriage bond.' He shifted her closer, pulling her higher up on his chest. 'But I have come to a different conclusion now.' Their lips were nearly touching, 'There is nothing illogical about identifying the connection between us.'

Spock kissed her softly, 'I love you, Nyota. I love you with my mind, my body and my katra. And I will not stop loving you until my physical existence on this plane of reality ceases.'

Their foreheads touched and she smiled into his kiss. Spock always had a certain way of putting things. As they kiss, her moans intensified and he smoothly rolled them over on their sides.

The stress and close calls of the past two days finally converts into a combustible feverish coupling. He's torn her dress again, accidentally tugging too hard on one of the sleeves. She's barely managed to slip down her panties far enough, when he's between her legs and pushing into her. Then, moving oh, so slowly inside her as they become one, finally losing themselves in each other.

After their fires have banked, they laid in each others arms, still half dressed and catching their breath. They stared at each other in wonder and gratitude, grateful to be touching again. They would get through this together.

* * *

A/N: Heh heh. Decided to let the sexual healing fade to black for our lovers. Please be sure to visit my wordpress homepage, as I've added some nice pics in this. Also, if you're reading me for the first time, you can check my profile for a chronological list of the stories. There are two stories, S&U Sex Surveys, that would be affected by this one, but I've decided to not change them. And as always, thank you for all the wonderful comments!


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